If you walked into KFed’s house and didn’t see ciggie butts on the floor and spit on the walls, you’d probably be pretty damn shocked. So it’s not surprising that KFed is being accused of completely trashing a house he was renting. The owners of the house want KFat to fart up $100,000 (of Brit Brit’s money) to pay for all the damages he allegedly made the house in Tarzana, CA. They also say that KFed rolled out of there without paying rent for 6-months. Here’s a list of the damages:

Gutters full of cigarette butts and empty beer bottles
A broken beer dispenser on the barbecue island
Permanent spit marks on exterior paint
Broken light covers
Bent light posts
Broken tiles
Dead trees and plants due to failure to water
Drawings all over the walls
A room that was turned into a studio (without the owners’ permission)
Broken dishwasher … with broken baskets
Dismantled smoke detectors
Front driveway oil-leak damage
Master bathroom windows tinted (without owners’ permission)

TMZ also has a ton of pictures of the damages. My guess is that KFed didn’t mean to mess that place up. Most of the damage was probably caused just by him walking around. Dude can make the earth move. And when he farts? Forget about it. Light posts will bend and smoke detectors will burst.

The most disturbing part about all of this is that KFed had a recording studio in his house. That is some terrorist shit right there. Haven’t we been through enough?!

If you went to Arby’s last night, they might have told you that they are out of everything. Well, that’s probably because KFed got there before you did. MSNBC’s The Scoop says that KFed has been shoveling pounds of everything into his pie hole so that he can get even FATTER! KFed thinks that if he is bigger than one of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man’s ass lips, he will be able to lose even more weight on Celebrity Fit Club which premieres on Vh1 this February. KFed is doing that new math.

A source said, “He thinks that if he goes on the show, loses a ton of weight, and seems really likeable, he’ll get more deals afterward. The way he sees it, he could have another show after ‘Fit Club,’ and that would open the door to working on music again, maybe even a fashion line.”

They’re going to need a bigger door.

If KFed grew a 9-inch dick that always stayed hard and shot out delicious pancakes that cured cancer, he would still not be likable to most people. So I’m not sure what he’s smoking (SPOILER ALERT: you know what he’s smoking).

And if KFed is really serious about gaining more chunk, he just needs to feast on one of Manuel Uribe’s ass farts. That’ll instantly put 50lbs of lard on his body.

Now that Brit Brit has tamed the crazy, it’s time for Daddy Spears to focus on the more important issues in her life. I’m talking about those horrific boots that have traveled all the way from the deepest depths of hell to terrorize Brit Brit’s paws. Those boots are made for walking….right into a dumpster!

I don’t give a KFed’s fupa if wearing them makes Brit feel like she’s walking on a cloud made of baby bunnies. I mean, my most comfortable outfit includes a half shirt (with Jem! on it) and old chonies with the part of the ass ripped out, but you don’t see me wearing that out in public! Okay, you do, but don’t tell Brit Brit that.

And you know that girl from junior high school who wears the exact same clothes she did back then 20 years later? Brit is that girl. Here she is having herself a shopping spree at Target yesterday. Brit would’ve gone to Wal-Mart, but she knew she would end up at the very top of People of Walmart if she did.

The hardest working Cheetoling in Cheetoland has a new single out this morning called 3. It’s off of her second greatest hits collection. Yes, Brit Brit is putting out ANOTHER greatest hits collection. It should be titled CHEETO NEEDS A CHECK. Keeping KFed filled up with deep fried burgers doesn’t come cheap, so she’s doing what’s she’s gotta do.

And yes, 3 is all about getting your fuck on with two other hos.. You know that while she was singing into the fan (IN THIS ECONOMY, auto-tune is too expensive), she was thinking of Chester Cheetah and the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Yes, Brit Brit’s idea of a threesome is sticking Cheetos into Crescent Rolls before shoving them in her mouth. That’s actually my idea of a threesome too. Sessy and delicious.

Brit Brit even brings Peter, Paul and Mary into this! Mary just rolled into the grave next her!

And this song would be so much better if we were all rollin’ on E with our shirts off while suds fell from ceiling. It’s like Brian Kinney ejaculated this song out of his peen hole. Clip below:

Jude Law became a papa je’e for the fourth time earlier this week, and he just doesn’t have the time to give a quick hello to his new baby friend. A source tells the Telegraph that Jude is busy doing acting shit on Broadway in Hamlet and can’t fly all the way to the distant land known as Florida to visit baby Sophia. The source went to blurt out, “Sadly, Jude will not be able to see Sophia until he finishes work on Hamlet on Broadway in December.”

But another friend said that Jude is hearing that his fuck time partner turned baby mama, Samantha Burke, is planning to sell her story and he wants nothing to do with it. Jude is afraid that the media will attack him like KFed attacking a refrigerator if he goes down there. The friend said, “Jude thinks that if he goes to Florida immediately, it will be a media circus. He doesn’t see why he should give the paparazzi the pleasure.”

You know, I doubt Samantha cares if Jude makes like his hairline and disappears. Methinks that Samantha only cares about one visitor making an appearance every single month: a fucking check from Jude! Truuuuuth!

Jessica Biel’s “Cousin It” look is her best yet – Hollywood Tuna

KFed’s gravy boat holder is a paparazzi target now (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

Amanda Seyfried giving her sexiest fartface in GQ – Egotastic!

If the pandas die, our hearts will die too – Towleroad

Doogie Howser’s former fuck partner (on TV) reunite – Lainey Gossip

Vintage Taylor Lautner…from a year ago – Popsugar

9021OHdomenow – Just Jared

John Travolta admits his son was autistic. In other news, Tommy Girl was spotted removing a giant box labeled “Johnny’s toys” from his dungeon – Socialite Life

I’d hit all of them – Cityrag

Well, it is a known fact that stoners have trouble standing upright by themselves – SOW

Single White Female with a baby – ICYDK

Kristin Cavacacaorwhatever should get 4 life sentences without parole for creating Twit & Twat – I’m Not Obsessed

Blohan picks up a Pussycat Dolls’ sloppy seconds - Celebitchy

Miss Cleo is now Kerry Katona’s therapist – Holy Moly!

Yup, Kate Moss is still drunk – Hollywood Rag

I approve of this if they change the name to SEXXX-Factor and showcase Simon Cowell’s titty twitching skills for the entire hour – Popeater

TMZ says that K-WellFed is trying to drop the chunk on the new season of Vh1’s Celebrity Fit Club along with his original baby mama Shar Jackson, Nicole Eggert and Bobby Brown. Yes, KFed and Bobby Brown in the same cast. Hell to the BARF! I really hope there are zero scenes involving Bobby Brown pushing out one of KFed’s shamu-sized doody bubbles. Poopoono.

I’m guessing that the executives at McDonald’s, Arby’s, Church’s, KFC, Taco Bell and (insert the name of every single restaurant here) are plucking out their nipple hairs over this in an emergency meeting. Because if KFed is off the deliciousness, that means their stock will plummet and cheeseburgers will sit untouched under the heat lamps for daaaaaays. This is not what the economy needs right now.